I had a moment today, leaving me in such a state that I decided the first step in moving onwards and upwards was to share it with you all. I’m a fan of full disclosure which can leave me in some awkward situations (strangers staring with open eyes as I tell them my life story) and am probably known as an “over-sharer”. However, I’m sure there is someone out there who will be heard “mmm-hmm-ing” as they read this little tale.
I awoke well meaning today and fuelled my body with fruit, honey and a delicious muffin, all accounted for within my daily food budget (religiously documented in a food diary- yes, I have food issues). I was feeling confident as I sat down to enjoy the tangy aroma of my espresso. Then the thought came flooding back to me, I was suddenly in distress, a sweat of anxiety. Thoughts that had been plaguing me for exactly four days (my last supermarket shop) overwhelmed me. Some people choose the high road, I usually don’t.
Before I knew it, I was in that cupboard, popping open the packet, little specs of its contents flinging over the counter. A family size packet of original CC’s was my undoing. I must admit, I was quite clever about the way I consumed THE WHOLE THING…I took a tiny bowl and filled it once, then again, and again, and once more. In this way, I was able to convince myself I was only having a few. It was only when I saw a few crumbs at the bottom that I realised it was best to just get rid of the evidence.
How many of you have done this? Bought that cake, that packet of biscuits, that cheese and realised that you had crossed the line of polite consumption? Got to the stage where you realised you’d be best to just get rid of the contents and its packaging before that loved one came home?
It’s classic bingeing and classically disturbing.
Why is it so hard? Seriously, what is the issue here? Many will not understand the self-hatred and determinacy that comes with each new day for a fatty; the resolution that today you will walk that kilometre and eat from that fruit bowl. The skill involved in opening the fridge door noiselessly and crunching down with muted tones really shouldn’t be a skill to be proud of!
So today, when I caught a glimpse of my stomach actually looking up at me as I peered down my shirt (looking up people, it’s growing up!), I realised I’m on the cusp of imminent failure. It’s time for a change, time to shake things up. And with a birthday just around the corner, I want to feel good about myself and free to celebrate (I’ve always ignored birthdays that I feel fall in a year marked with non-achievement).
And maybe, just maybe, with the CC’s gone for good, I can enjoy just one glass next week…