Deserving The Matter


I’ve been feeling a dull and aching rage swill around in my stomach today. As a consequence, having not yet emotionally evolved, I’ve engaged in a list of masochistic activities all afternoon.

Weigh in this morning saw me lose 700 grams (1.54 pounds) which in the context of my Hungarian feasting last weekend, was quite a relief. However, the meeting that followed left a rather bad taste in my mouth; although I’m getting used to that (Boom Tish)!

It started as normal; some whoop-whooping from the stars who had lost, and some somber faces from those who didn’t. Our meeting leader who had just returned from a tropical holiday was glowing and whilst she is certainly a great advertisement for the weight loss company, she fails to engage me on a real-girl-with-big-bum-licks-the-crumbs-out-of-her-bosom kind of way.

Even though I have experienced a spreading behind and understand the minefield I need to dodge in life because of it, I have absolutely no interest in an Alcoholic Anonymous type meeting where we pat each other on the back for making the “right food choices” between meetings.

There we sit my mum and I each week, in uncomfortable chairs, in rows like children, and subject ourselves to stories from tiny women who proclaim in the most satisfied way, “oh, you wouldn’t believe it…I was out for breakfast and ordered one poached egg with spinach on the side and my friends were telling me how little I eat…I quite simply felt sorry for them, they have no idea what they are doing to their bodies”. In short, these little tales are, as my Aunt likes to say, just Vile!

Of course your friends are annoyed you silly woman, I wanted to say. Who wants to go out to eat with someone who, consciously or not, highlights to everyone else on the table how their indulgent choices are affecting their waist lines. But then again, why does this make me angry? Why should the choices of a perfect stranger affect my own?

Luckily for me, I don’t find it difficult to reach the truth. As truth be told, in a way I’m afraid that I’ll never be like this woman. That I will never have so much control as to deny myself what is needed to keep a svelte figure. And that most of all, I will never be seen as “one of them”. As much as I resent the fact that it is demanded of me, I don’t want to stand out in a physical way. I want to be unique in many other ways, often arguing for an alternate path for the sheer sake of it, but physically, nah-ah.

Why can’t I just be me; fat, skinny or porky pie? Why does it matter? Healthy or not, our figures are much like the cars we drive, the houses we keep, the jewelry we wear and even the words we write. They say all say, “look at me, I’m like you, I’m in the right group”. I would love to fight against it but this my friends is the way it is- am I really so special that I feel I can fight against the grain? Lets face it, I’m no Germaine Greer!

And so, in true oppositionary style, instead of doing all I could to join the in-group today, I chose to complete a list of self-deprecating activities.

  • I trailed through photo upon photo of mere acquaintances on facebook, wondering why they positioned themselves the way they did in each photo; side on, looking up, no remnant of a wobbly bit
  • I sat on my behind eating biscuits whilst looking at said photos
  • I berated myself for not studying for a rather important upcoming exam
  • I bit my nails between biscuit bites, undermining the hard work it took to grow them; and
  • Just to top it off, I chose the only spot on my six-seater couch that was clearly inhabited by my cat overnight, thus covering my own good self in her hair

Why is it so difficult for me to do what is good for me? Why would I never pay for a massage, my nails painted (although I dabbled in that for a time), or a tailored piece of clothing? Do I deserve it simply because I was born?

But then it doesn’t seem all that bad, because I remember that what I fear most is not being excluded from the in group after all; it’s being part of it and tut-tutting as the old me walks past…

“She just doesn’t realise what she’s doing to her body”…Vile!

3 responses »

  1. G’day. (ha, me trying to speak aussie)

    Hello and all that. Overwhelmed with the need to ask. Fighting the urge. Must. Not. Comment.

    Sorry, can’t do it. Why?????

    What is it you are actually accomplishing spending time at a weight loss support group that makes you feel bad about yourself?

    Isn’t part of our weight loss struggle due to an emotional reaction to food? Isn’t going to that meeting putting you in a place where you feel bad emotionally? How is that going to move you any closer to success at all?

    I know this is going to sound all preachy, righteous and judgmental. I don’t want it to. But that is my fear.

    In my own struggle to lose, I sometimes wish someone would reach out of my computer screen at times and just bop me upside my head.

    You lack information. That is one of the problems. And you should be spending time in environments that give you the information you need to accomplish your goals without making you feel as though you are an adipose-ladened outcast.

    Where is the beautiful, bouncy brunette? So when you covered her in a little fat she just ‘POOF’ – disappeared? I don’t think so…

    Where is your love – your self-love? Maybe tailored clothes are not your style, do you do anything else to pamper and love yourself?

    Where is the post all full of the ‘right’ things you did? I mean, for starters I’ll assume you didn’t slap Miss Poached Egg’s head right off her body. That was good, yes. See, some success. I bet there are a bunch of other things you did that were maybe less dramatic, but still right. Focus on those…

    Find a way to set yourself up for success. Find the triggers that cause you to react in a negative way about yourself and take a few small steps to reverse that.

    You are in control of how you feel every day. You can’t stop stupid people from being stupid, but you decide how their blatant stupidity makes you feel, especially about you.

    Whew. There, I said it. And I can’t tell if I needed you to hear it as much as I needed to hear it myself.

    Gia ❤

  2. Hi Gia,

    As someone who generally speaks her mind anyway, I appreciate your inclination to do so. But I have a line I only use with friends and as I tend to think of you as a friend of sorts (how odd this internet world is), so I’m going to say it. I think you were right in your last line, perhaps it is your “stuff” which is why you are so passionate about it. Not to say it’s not true what you’ve said but whenever I get fired up about something, it’s usually “my stuff”. Do you know what I mean?

    The reason I go to the meeting is not so much about the fact that I have no knowledge regarding food- it’s more about weighing myself weekly and being accountable in some way. If I was to get a set of scales at home, one of two things would happen. 1. They would collect dust in a cupboard, or 2. I’d get on them every day which is even more unhealthy.

    I’m a dedicated student and love getting a “grade” for much that I do (crazy, I know!) and so going to this meeting each week works for me in that way because when I lose, it’s an instant reinforcement when someone says, “Well Done”. There are also heaps of recipes and tips to pick up along the way.

    I was having a complain last week because at times, it’s a wee bit boring and I feel that some of the women focus completely on their weight and nothing else which terrifies me!

    In regards to the self-love…I find it extremely difficult to give myself things and resent those around me that can. Whilst I find the constant purchasing of goods repugnant in many ways, the real reason I don’t get things that are beautiful for myself is because I don’t feel I deserve it. Not sure why…on most levels I quite like myself but feel very uncomfortable when it comes to anything close to “pampering”.

    Well that’s as honest as I can be! I hear what you are saying and I really appreciate your interest!


  3. Hauling – Thanks so much for seeing my post for what it was, my opinion. It is helpful for me as I grow to understand people’s motivation to do things differently than I would. Your response yielded great information. And I am impressed with your dedication! And I do know what you mean.

    I find your statements on self-love interesting. I am at the other end of the spectrum with being able to give myself presents all the time. But I don’t know if that really equates out to me having true self-love. Wish we could all figure out a way to allow ourselves to feel more deserving, don’t you? Kinda like some ‘I deserve good’ fairy dust we could sprinkle on us from time to time.

    Keep up your great work. You inspire and motivate me, and that means so much to me.


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